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Gwyllion: The edge of all I know

23/10/09 || GardensTale

And here we go, off on the rollercoaster ride that is female fronted power metal! There’s been Nightfish, Spit-in Temptation, Epicock, Leaves’ Penis, Squeelain, and even “lol we’re goth” Evanescence treading similar territory, each with slightly different influences than the rest. None of these were fun to listen to in this humble reviewer’s (humble, yeah right!) opinion, so why would Gwyllion be? Do they have brilliant songwriting, a true goddess on vocals, guitarwork that uses more than rehashed powerchords and Maiden licks?

Not really, no.

I can imagine the band listening to their new album, fresh off the press, and go “My god, we’re so symphonic and catchy, we’re a guaranteed hit! We’re gonna be rolling in cash!” while participating in group masturbation. It’s just too obvious these folks are going after the big $$. The shit is overproduced, written in pop rhythms and pop rhymes, with lame guitars pumping out a couple of redundant but catchy powerchords, all made to bash the songs into people’s brains so they might buy the album. In short, the musicality on here is laughable. Every now and then, some shit like crappy keyboards or something that’s made to sound like a flute joins in to make everything all the more “OH MY GOD SYMPHONIC” so people will think it’s epic, and epic means cash. Epic sells.

So, as always with these bands, it’s all about the cunt on vocals. What does this cunt have to offer?

As you can see on this picture, the cunt is a true butterface. A little saggy on the whole, but not bad, I’d hit it. If provided with a paper bag, since her face looks like she’s losing the battle against crack addiction since birth by now. Also, it’s a little hard to make out how nice those tits of hers are, with the heavy photoshopping and all, but it’s not a good sign when it’s so hard to find any unedited pictures of your frontwoman when you play female fronted power metal.

Oh, right, her singing capabilities. You’re listening to music, not looking at it, right? I mean, there’s just no way any band would sell albums solely based on the way their cunt looks, right? Right! So how does Gwyllion’s cunt Ann hold up? Well, not great, not terrible. She does a little less of the “Look at me! I can sing opera!” but her voice gets pretty annoying sometimes. But if by that time the terribly underachieving guitars haven’t started to annoy you, you probably also liked all the other bands in the commercial clusterfuck mentioned earlier and won’t listen to me to begin with either. Why are you reading our reviews? Get the fuck out!

There’s not really any truly noteworthy redeeming factors for the lackluster copycatting. Production is ProTooled, drumming is okay but nothing special, bass is only audible when it’s needed for special effect, there’s too much “Yo dawg we herd you like instruments so we put more instruments among your instruments so you can fap while you listen” and, ugh… I don’t want to listen to this anymore. I’ve suffered enough for the sake of our readers. Go die in a fire made entirely of cancer and AIDS.

Information
Released: 2009
Label: Black Bards Entertainment
Website: www.gwyllion.com
Band
Ann van Rooy: vocals
Martijn Debonnet: guitars, vocals
Steve Deleu: guitars
Thomas Halsberghe: bass
Wouter Debonnet: drums, flute (well, what do you know, the flute is real)
Joris Debonnet: keyboards, vocals

Tracklist
01. In silence enclosed
02. Entwined
03. Void
04. Rage
05. Beyond goodbye
06. The night awakes
07. Closure
08. A thousand words
09. Roots of Reality
10. Angelheart

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